wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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