my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
did i walk over a car last night?
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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