i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
