I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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