HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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