Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
