i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
