True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
