I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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