Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
You can't motorboat a personality
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
