I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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