just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
