Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
