Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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