I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
