Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
