Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize
