Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
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Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
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You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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