We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
