She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
