Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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