her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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