Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
