The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
