sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
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Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
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Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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