I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
