you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
