i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
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