Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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