I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
