to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
