i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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