I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
