Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
No subtext here. People are naked.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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