So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
