tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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