Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
They took my balls.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
