If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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