M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
