Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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