I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
