i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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