Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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