My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
