3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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