Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
