He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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