I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Randomize
