K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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