Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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