enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
