i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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